We Can’t Eliminate Violence Against Women Unless We Recognise And Talk About Emotional Abuse
Let's raise awarness about emotional abuse!
Today, November 25 is International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. And since this day is all about talking and raising awareness about violence against women in order to find ways to eliminate it, let’s talk about the cycle of abuse and more importantly how it begins. Usually, abuse has 4 stages namely – tension building, actual abuse, and reconciliation followed by calm. The abuser usually sets the abusive situation by building tension. This setup can be triggered by anything from work stress to family problems to illness. In most cases, the victim usually understands the situation and braces themself for what is to come but this doesn’t mean that they don’t try to prevent it. The other partner usually tries to calm the abuser down to cool the situation while they themselves are hyperalert. This is usually followed by the incident of abuse. Once the abuse is over, the abuser tries to reconcile by convincing the other partner that it happened in the “heat of the moment” or by getting the partner gifts and showering them with love and attention. Once this stage is over, the 4th stage comes in where there is a sense of relief and harmony. In this stage, the abuser justifies their behaviour and apologises or tries to deny or minimize it while the abused partner starts to accept their excuses and hold onto the relationship with a sense of relief that it won’t happen again or that things are fine in their relationship.
Now, let me tell you something very interesting. If you take a close look at the cycle of abuse, you’ll notice that it is quite literally sandwiched between emotional abuse. Physical or sexual abuse never comes without emotional abuse in some or the other form. And to be honest, it never begins with an abuser getting up and suddenly abusing their partner. It almost always begins with subtle emotional abuse.
Also Read: International Day For The Elimination Of Violence Against Women Can Actually Be A Trigger!
But What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse,is a form of non-physical abuse where a person subjects the other to problematic and toxic behaviour that leads to psychological trauma. This is meant to frighten, isolate or even control the other person. It can manifest in multiple ways like threats, insults, jealousy, manipulation, gaslighting, humiliation, bullying and intimidation among other things. Emotional abuse can traumatise a person in several ways and lead to mental health problems that remain even after the abuse is over and they’re away from their abuser and in a safe space. This includes things like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and even anxiety.
Also Read: Unconditional Support Can Help Women Leave Abusive Relationships. This Twitter Thread Explains How To Provide It
Why Do We Need To Talk About It?
As I mentioned earlier, physical abuse is sandwiched between emotional abuse and it always begins with emotional violence. The abuser never starts off by abusing their partner, it starts with them faking who they are. They will shower their partner with love and attention. They may even lovebomb their partner before the subtle manipulation begins. And slowly the manipulation is amped up until one fine day, they will raise their hand but the first incident of abuse is usually followed by declarations of love and a series of apologies and fake remorse. But then it happens again making the other partner wonder why their partner who is a “nice” person and has “no anger issues” and who “loves” them so much is doing it. This is followed by this person, who has been emotionally battered already, wondering if they are doing something wrong and if they need to change something in order for their partner to calm down. And when that doesn’t work, the abuser partner begins to feel like a failure who has failed their partner and leads to self-esteem issues which, in turn, makes them continue to remain in the abusive relationships because they believe they’re not good enough and they may even begin to think that they deserve the abuse.
Also Read: Men Don’t Need To Save Us. We Just Need Them To Call Out Problematic Behaviour In Other Men.
Taking a closer look at the cycle of abuse, you’ll realise that it begins with building tension which puts the abused partner under so much stress that they are bound to make a mistake which will, in turn, give the abuser an excuse to abuse. The incident of abuse, however, may be anything from physical to sexual to psychological abuse. In the third stage of the cycle of abuse, the abuser manipulates and gaslights their partner into reconciling with them and then convinces them that that’s not who they are which leads to stage 4 of calm. So, you see, that’s how abuse works. Think about it, how can we expect someone to walk away from physical or sexual abuse when they’re unaware of emotional abuse and are unable to spot the early signs and red flags? This is why we need to highlight and talk about emotional abuse and the signs, even the subtle ones, and the red flags before we go on to physical abuse. In order to eliminate violence against women, we have to work towards eliminating emotional abuse and violence which beats them down even before the actual beatings begin. They’ve lost even before the game begins.
On this day, let’s promise to talk about emotional abuse, open up about it, and learn to spot the signs and call out the red flags instead of waiting for physical abuse to walk away or say “she should just leave him”. No, tell her the signs, warn her and guide her and give her unconditional support.
