‘365 Days: This Day’ Review: All Banging And Bad Writing Make This Sequel Dry And Boring, Like Sex Without Foreplay
Abandon all hope for a plot, ye who enter. Because here, in the 365 Days franchise, nine circles of infernal hell await anyone looking for even a semblance of plot or logic or character development. Or healthy depiction of relationships. This is clearly a porno with hot people, stunning locales, and more sex positions than dialogues. It is also highly problematic and the relationship between Don Massimo Torricelli (Michele Morrone) and Laura Biel (Anna-Maria Sieklucka) is toxic AF. But I mean, did any of us come here for anything other than sex? If your answer is ‘yes’, let me ask you, “Are you lying, baby girl?” Though, in defense of 365 Days (yes, after watching the sequel, I deign to defend it), at least there was a semblance of a story. And the cliffhanger ending left you wanting to know what happens next. 365 Days: This Day doesn’t even try. It’s as disappointing as the fuckboy you expected more from, even though that tiny inner voice said, “Bitch, run.”
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365 Days: This Day just drops the already dropped standards faster than Massimo drops his pants. Tch tch. The film gives you way too many literal fucks, thinking that it makes up for them giving zero fucks about a plot. Unfortunately, as someone who can’t even watch porn if it doesn’t have a good story (shut up, it’s important), this movie felt like sex without any foreplay. And that’s no fun, yaa!
Last we saw Massimo and Laura (this name makes me laugh, IYKYK), they were about to get married after a whirlwind… erm… abductionromance. Laura’s BFF Olga arrived and the two went dress shopping, and if there’s one thing I like about this entire franchise, it is the fashion choices, because the men and women really wear their money’s worth. On their way back, Laura was on a call with Massimo, to tell him she’s pregnant, but she entered a tunnel and the signal was lost. Meanwhile, Massimo’s consiglieri rushed to tell him there’s going to be an attack on Laura, and he feared that she might be dead.
This Day opens with sex. And no, don’t panic, Massimo is not into necrophilia, and that is a very much alive Laura that he is making love to. It’s not a spoiler, you can see it in the trailer, and if you believed Laura was dead at the end of the first movie, you’re more naïve than, well, Laura. The bride and groom are fucking before the wedding so naturally someone points out how seeing the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony brings bad luck. Ooooh so THAT’s what you think is going to cause trouble in paradise? LOL. Anyway, but first, sex.
So. Much. Sex. And if just Laura and Massimo going at at like rabbits was not enough, Massimo’s right hand guy, Domenico, and Laura’s BFF Olga get it on as well, because we are generous with happy endings (yes, that is a well-intended sex pun, thanks for noticing, you!). Several montages later, we arrive at Christmas. Massimo asks Laura for his Christmas gift, after he gifts her her own fashion brand. And all she gives him is a free pass to blow her brains out in his black room of pain. I mean sex as a gift is nice and all. But considering how all they do is roll in the hay every breathing minute, I feel like my man Massimo really should be feeling fifty shades of ripped off.
That’s precisely how I felt about the film, BTW, 80% of which is sex and 10% is montages. I mean, sure, the intimacy choreographers really racked their brains to make the act look different and intense each time. And I will never object to a chance to look at Michele Morrone who is *chef’s kiss* and teases us with a Saawariya like towel scene. But how long before the couple realises that beyond physical attraction, there’s absolutely nothing in that marriage? And we, the audience, get bored of copulation and demand conversation because without it, there are no feels and it is just two people going at it? There’s no fire, there’s no anticipation, no adrenaline rush to see these two characters together. I wondered if that was because they are now married…
But no, I blame the writing, or the lack thereof. Is that why there are so many songs? The dialogues feel like they were written by a straight teenage guy attempting his first sex story, and not the adaptation of a novel written by a woman, which apparently 365 Days is supposed to be! I would expect a better understand of female pleasure, beyond the superficial “he goes down on her”. If only we know what else it was that bound these two together and kept that passion burning. Did they discover shared interests? Imagine if he let her join his business, and then the two went on this power trip, cracking deals left, right, and centre, got attacked by a jealous rival, gunned him down, and that really got them in the mood… Cut to a sex scene in their bullet-ridden escape car. Or over Massimo’s desk!
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No wonder, then, that at the first sign of a misunderstanding, Laura dumps Massimo’s fine ass without even talking to him once. I cannot fathom how Laura goes from being this boss lady in the first film to a tame trophy wife. I guess too many orgasms short-circuited her and Massimo’s brains. Can an expert weigh in here? But see at this point, you, the viewer, think, “Run, Laura, run. Far away from this toxic dude.” But no, she runs right into the arms of another hot guy she knows nothing about. She even chucks her phone. And I get GPS tracking. But I just don’t trust anyone who can abandon their phone in this time and age of technology so easily. Remember this same chick in the first movie got abducted and the first thing she asked for was her phone and laptop back? What happened, Laura? Why haven’t we learnt from our mistakes? Laura really needs therapy.
Of the many questions that I have for the makers of this book+film franchise, the most pertinent one is why a perfectly fine looking guy with a perfectly sexy sounding name—Marcelo—would be nicknamed Nacho. I hear that and I think of some gordo señor with a moustache and a hat, like the mascot of a local Tex-Mex restaurant, and not the hot hunk they want us to now ship Laura with. Fine then, why don’t we just go ahead and nickname Massimo as Mozzarella? At one point, this seemingly sweet guy, who has kept Laura safe, well-fed, and hidden in his fancy hipster home (clearly a red flag, because he was a gardener at Massimo’s estate) asks her why good girls like her fall for bad guys like Massimo and not good guys like him. Dude, you’re called Nacho. Please sit down.
So 80% of the film is sex, and 10% of the film is montages. What about the remaining 10%? That is devoted, as an after thought, to the plot. Apparently, Nacho’s identity is an explosive secret. And when Laura, who now falls in love with this guy (shocker), finds out who he is, she’s going to get pissed. Spoiler Alert: She does. And for a moment, this woman who has otherwise been making truly questionable life choices from even before she met Massimo (did you see the guy she was with before him? Seriously, woman, know your worth!), seems like she has finally seen the light. In fact, there are several times when the film has these moments of self-awareness where it calls out its own characters’ dumbness. When Nacho spills the beans (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it!) about who he is, Laura actually tells him she is done with men using her and doing with her what they want. I could feel God’s light shining on her.
Unfortunately, a woman making sane choices cannot a toxic romance make, and since that’s the vibe we’re going for here, the plot makes sure she doesn’t get to make those choices. At least, not yet. What happens when Laura, Nacho, and Massimo confront each other about the shit that’s going on? I can’t even! You have to watch this badly acted climax to believe it. In my utter disbelief and curiosity to know what happens next, I went down the rabbit hole and found what happens in the third book, titled Another 365 Days. And what I read made my blood boil. The fact that this bit is public knowledge makes the 365 Days: This Day cliffhanger ending even more ridiculous. All I can say, the way the different factions of European mafia are portrayed as so damn stupid and inefficient here, I would sue for defamation if I were them.
Also Read: What To Watch During This April Long Weekend: Runway 34, 365 Days: This Day, Never Kiss Your Bestfriend 2 And More
Verdict
365 Days: This Day is actually a step down from the first film, which was already grounded in controversy and problematic hell. Humko upar jaana tha, boss! As someone who now knows the entire story, I can see how 365 Days as a whole could’ve been quite a half-decent cautionary tale about toxic relationships if told well, with better writing. I mean Fifty Shades Of Grey is about sex, yes, but it leaves breathing room for themes like acceptance, jealousy, and a person overcoming their childhood abuse and trauma to finally open up to love.
I’m not even saying 365 Days needs to reduce the sex; that would be bad for business. But it could’ve taken cues from a thriller series like Dark Desire on Netflix, which manages to weave in enough sex to keep the audience satiated, but also manages to tell a story that keeps their brain cells from dying petite morts. No, not the orgasm kind.
Anyhoo, that ship has sailed, because if reports are to be believed, the third instalment has already filmed or something. So, I guess, watch 365 Days: This Day for the sex if you want. But if your dating bio says sapiosexual, toh you won’t be getting your money’s worth this day.
365 Days: This Day is currently streaming on Netflix.
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