7 Questions To Ask Him Right At The Start To Know If He Is Relationship-Worthy
Years ago, I used one of the many ways our generation uses to get over my exes – I joined a dating app. It was for a very brief period because I am 65 % introvert, 35 % extrovert which means while I enjoy going out and having a good time, usually, doing it with new peeps doesn’t excite me. There is a colossal obstacle between me and a first date I could possibly go on – I just cannot find the interest to engage in a conversation with people who aren’t close. How do you garner the energy to keep chatting all day? Do you have no kaam-dhanda in life? Anyhoo, now I have the pandemic to blame so I am gonna use this excuse for a long time or so it seems.
One of the first dates I went on felt like I was sipping coffee with the very grim reaper, who is there to collect my soul. This was a first date and he told me his entire life story. Then he went on to put what seemed like 100 kgs worth of pressure on my dainty shoulders – he asked if I would want to marry him – and even expected me to know the answer. I did, it was just not the one he liked. I have never been so petrified of an unarmed, non-violent human before. I don’t remember ordering chills to go with my cappuccino.
I appreciate his honesty though. We knew immediately that we are not looking for the same thing. That and a couple of fuckbois later, I decided to make first dates really count. Why waste time and makeup on a guy only to find out he isn’t a feminist? Why should I go out with a guy who is not just on a different page, but a different book in a different library in a country far, far away?
In fact, not just on first dates but also when you start talking, it’s better to just clear things out. So when a sis asked the women of Reddit what no nonsense questions they ask their romantic interests, the thread got filled with a treasure of insights!
What are your political views?
“I do not want to end up dating a conservative again. Never never never. They are always so offended too but like it speaks to very deep incompatibilities,” a woman wrote. Another one agreed with her, “Strongly agree. This isn’t just a difference of opinions, like coffee vs tea. This is: are you going to vote against my rights? Are you going to vote to dehumanize me and people like me? Are you ok with people dying because they can’t afford their medicine? I need to know this right away when dating someone.”
Do you consider yourself a feminist?
“Anti-feminists and people who are ambivalent about social (in)equality are not worth wasting my time on,” a woman wrote. A lot more equality will prevail in the world if misogyny in marriages is eradicated. Do I want to raise a child with a man who thinks I belong in the kitchen? Does he know that’s where the knives are? Ask beforehand and cancel the first date.
Do you want commitment/marriage?
“If the response is “I’m looking for a fun time, I don’t know if I’m ready for commitment or marriage,” I cut them immediately. I didn’t want to waste two years of my life dating a guy who’s not ready for something serious,” a woman wrote. Another woman added how she expects to know what their intentions are. “I’d like to know what I’m here for. Is this a temporary thing, a committed one, or a one night stand. I will give the same energy as I am given. I don’t want to be feeling things im not going to get. Be clear to me from day one,” she wrote. Yeah, I mean, what’s with being chased and then told, “Oh, I am not looking for commitment!” It’s like a ghost chasing you down and saying sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Dafuq?
Do you want kids?
“I always ask about kids. Being in childcare it’s relatively easy for me to ask about it. It always gets asked. The responses have been wild. The answer isn’t always as simple as yes or no. One man said he wanted kids but made it clear I would be doing all the childcare. Literally said “you’ll be changing all the diapers”. Was very confused when I didn’t want to date anymore. Another guy said “yes but I only want girls”. Ok, weird? Creepy? I don’t know,” a woman shared. Well, it’s an important factor if you are considering to settle down. In fact, turns out, it can tell you a lot about the person’s mindset too and if they have a misogynistic approach to marriage. If I am going to be single-handedly changing diapers while he comes around just for the fun bits, maybe he should get himself a pet potato instead. And a first date with a therapist for his adulting issues.
How do you like to spend your free time?
“If he likes to spend all his time doing extreme outdoor activities like 8 hr hikes or all his time in front of a computer gaming, I’m not compatible with either. It’s better to get that out upfront. I like guys who are more of a “everything in moderation” type. Being active and liking exercise is fine (I mean I run and do yoga) but I’m not doing a 100 mile hiking trip in Patagonia as my annual vacation for instance. And if he’s spending 3 days straight not sleeping and gaming I’m not down with that either. I wanted someone compatible with my lifestyle so that we have some overlap even if it’s not necessary for us to enjoy all hobbies together,” a woman wrote. Well, it’s actually important to know if you both can enjoy time together – otherwise what’s the point if he is hiking somewhere and you’re watching reruns of Friends?
What’s your relationship with your family? What did you learn from your last relationship?
“How they describe their relationship with their parents says a lot about that person, their upbringing, their emotional baggage or traumas if they have any. It’s better to get a sense of that upfront so it doesn’t surprise you. Whether you can eventually delve into it and decide whether this guy’s baggage is something you’re willing to take on is a question for another date and another day,” a woman wrote. This one’s so wise! It will not only help you understand how he perceives important relationships in his life but will also help you bond and connect on a deeper level.
And this one’s an important one too. Ask him what he learnt from his last breakup. Ask him about his ex. The way he responds says a lot. Is he bitching about her and that too on a first date with someone super new? Does he take any responsibility? “That gives me a good sense of how well (or badly) they’ve emotionally processed from the last breakup,” a woman wrote.
ALSO READ: People Share Stories Of How Being Unpretentious On Their Initial Dates Worked Out In Their Favour
How do you express your anger?
“Because I’m looking for someone emotionally intelligent, not a Neanderthal who punches holes through the wall,” a woman wrote. Honestly, intimate partner violence is not a joke and is more common than you think. They don’t roam around with certificates so it’s better to ask how they express their anger. I am not willing to deal with someone with anger issues that can leave either my face or my mental health with scars.