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When We Come Out Of Quarantine, I Will Look Like Either A Hairy Alcoholic Or Beyoncé. Here Are Other Possible Outcomes.

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I remember this one particular summer vacation when I was in college. I had gone to stay with my naani and she became quite worried about my sleeping pattern. I used to stay up all night, watching TV and speaking to my long-distance boyfriend, which of course she didn’t know of. She couldn’t come to terms with how her grand-daughter which seemed perfectly normal watched TV all night long. But hey, have you ever watched The Best of Savdhaan India? It’s so entertaining; you really can’t stop at one episode. Thankfully, I am not at my naani’s place during this quarantine period, because now my day ends when the sun rises. My mom? She doesn’t panic at anything. At the most, she’ll probably just assume that I am running an esoteric society, the activities of which can only be performed at night.

So none of us were prepared for this. I know it’s important and absolutely indispensable but please don’t take our right of complaining away. We are also looking at pros, if that’s any consolation. The fact that I am taking quarantine’s feelings into account proves that am beginning to lose it. I’ll probably start apologising to my apartment’s door next since it must be feeling neglected lately. And that’s when I will officially declare that quarantine has gotten to me before coronavirus could. Anyway, this is a period of tough love and change. I don’t know for better or for worse, but most of us aren’t going to walk out of this unaltered. If you do, what kind of a stubborn bitch are you? Anyway, going by the way things are right now, I have thought of some possible outcomes. Yes, I went that far even though my schedule jam packed with unfruitful tasks. And since I am not exactly unique and more like just any of us, I think most people will be able to relate.

1) Bears can mistake me for one of their own

If we were a movie, I’d probably be a documentary on Animal Planet. Where else can they place me with all the hair that will be cultivated on my body after going weeks without waxing? Even if I end up shaving my hands and legs, what will I do of my upper lips? Guess it’s for some father-daughter bonding over shaving sessions.

2) I may end up making alcoholism my religion

I wasn’t prepared for this, else I would have stocked on beer and wine. But all I had were a couple of bottles of whiskey. From not liking it to making cocktails with it, I am taking it as my medicine to keep me sane – that happened quickly.

3) Netflix can file a restraining order against me

What will I do when this is all over? How will I live a life that involves interacting with real people and not watching fictional characters? The video-streaming platform may just ask me to back off and get some sleep.

4) I might learn how to talk to birds

I love standing by the window and hear the sound of birds. In fact, I may be getting too interested in birds. Did you know pigeons mate for life and have far more gender equality than humans do?

5) My parents may sell me on OLX

The last time my parents and I spent so much time together was in school. I am literally in their space all the time, desperately seeking attention like a 5-year-old. If you see an ad for a broken, space-invading person up for sale, know that this possible outcome has actually happened.

6) I may become a Ludo athlete

It actually brightens up my day when I play Ludo. I am so competitive at it. And I feel it’s not just me, but almost everyone is playing Ludo while in quarantine. At the end of this if someone decides to host a tournament, I am definitely participating!

7) Or a perfect bahu material

With all that cooking and cleaning some of us have been undertaking these days, our society must be so happy right now. I have been using more plates just so I have dishes to wash. I have been messing up my bedroom so I can clean it later.

8) I am either gaining 5 kgs or losing 5 kgs

Also, my weighing scale is broken so I won’t be able to tell until this ends. But maybe if I stick to eating healthy, and not go on one of those carb sprees, I may lose some!

9) I may even get better at my hobby

Most of us have been brushing off our laziness as lack of time and now we have no excuse! Let’s see what this quarantine can do. I will either get better at belly dance or realise that I have two left feet!

ALSO READ: 6 Ways To Make Your Loved One Feel Special On Their Birthday If It Falls During Quarantine!

10) I will either become a social butterfly or a recluse, there’s no in-between

I feel I may become the female version of Hrithik Roshan in Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon. I will be buzzing around and hopping around people for no reason. I will walk around saying hi to randos and never saying no to any plan whatsoever. Either this or I may become so used to this life that I will continue social distancing long after others have stopped. Only time will tell.

ALSO READ: The ‘Naked Challenge’ Is Getting Horny Couples Some More Quarantine Action. Singles, Better Luck Next Time.


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