5 Reasons You’re Insecure In Your Relationship And What To Do About It
Over the past years, I have begun to understand just how much our experiences shape us, especially in terms of relationships. Human beings are social animals and our psyche is deeply impacted by our interactions with those closest to us. Our attachment styles are formed in our childhood based on our connection with our parents. Then we grow up and move on to interacting romantically with potential lovers and those too end up changing our stories. We may feel secure or insecure, based on our perceptions.
I never realised that I too, have been carrying tiny little bags from my previous relationships, lying there, nicely camouflaged. So when I started introspecting and asking myself why I feel the way I feel, I realised I didn’t escape the past unscathed.
If you’ve been hurt in the past by someone who couldn’t commit, you will make sure you tell the next guy it’s either all or nothing. If you’ve had an abusive boyfriend who constantly went through your phone and accuse you of flirting with guys, you’ll never want to share your phone password with the next guy.
You don’t realise when it’s happening but before you know it, the damage has already been done. And it’s okay, all of us have these scars clouding our perceptions. Having said that, you can choose healing.
If you have found yourself to have a constant paranoia that he will cheat on you, if you feel insecure in your relationship, even if he is loyal, there are issues you need to address. Here are reasons you’ve been feeling insecure and here’s what you can do about it.
You have trust issues
It’s highly likely that you will worry that your partner is lying to you and cheating on you if you fundamentally find it difficult to trust people. If you’ve been cheated on in the past by a romantic interest, betrayed by a friend or seen infidelity in your parents’ relationship, it has impacted the way you perceive connections today. These things can affect one emotionally to a great extent and we switch our filters on, as a self-defense mechanism so we don’t have to go through it again.
When people have trust issues, they often experience a strong emotional response that can be quite distressing, making it hard to rationalise. Take a deep breath, listen to calming music and try to distract your mind with a therapeutic activity when panic strikes. It might take a little compassion on his part to understand where you’re coming from but if he patiently helps you trust him better, things will be easier for you to work on as well.
You have cheated in the past
Often, we are paranoid that our partner may cheat on us – even when all they are doing is casually being friendly with a friend or a colleague. We do that because we project our behaviours onto our partners. If you have cheated in the past or have been tempted to, you will freak out if he is in a similar position.
Is it him you don’t trust or is it yourself that you don’t trust? Maybe it’s time to open up about your feelings about fidelity (you don’t have to talk about your experiences if you don’t want to) and make it a point that you both remain honest.
You have low self-worth
Do you feel insecure because he is friends with women, you feel can be a threat to you? If you feel insecure only if the woman is prettier or more accomplished than you, it can be that it’s your own self-confidence that is shaky.
Maybe you are overcritical of your flaws and believe it is hard to love you. You don’t have to be perfect. And your partner doesn’t love you because you’re the best at something. There’ll always be someone who is better. But no matter how shiny the other piece is, only the pieces that are meant to be together complete a puzzle. He likes the whole you and you’re perfectly lovable, just the way you are. Try to focus on things you love about yourself than your imperfections. And people who casually throw deprecating humour at you, tell them to zip it. You can be a sport but you need to be self-assured more importantly right now.
You see him as promiscuous
Every time he is being friendly with a woman, it pricks at you. He is out there, socialising with them pretty gals and you feel he is flirting with them. You feel he loves female attention and all that. Maybe he just has strong feminine energy and connects better with women. You know, there are barely any men out there with good emotional intelligence and sensitivity. Being friendly with women doesn’t mean he will be putting his tongue down their throats.
Reflect on your friendships with men. Do you have anything shady with them? Imagine your friendships with your male colleagues. Things can be platonic and it’s okay. Even if you like attention, it doesn’t mean you will cheat. So calm the nerves and once in a while, merge your circles so you can feel more assured he is not promiscuous. There’s no need to feel insecure!
You feel there is not enough transparency
Uncertainties and mysteries can be maddening for a person with anxiety. If you’re an overthinker, there may have been times when you made a mountain of a molehill. Have you ever gone cuckoo when your partner was at an office party or a house party and he didn’t check his phone for hours? Or he didn’t pick your call? Is he flirting with someone? What is happening? Panic starts building up and you’re imagining worse possible scenarios.
As people who love each other, we should acknowledge each other’s wounds and help in the healing process. If your partner just goes like I don’t care if it makes you anxious, what’s the point? But you too need to draw the line somewhere. Together you both can try to be on the same as what level of transparency and communication is assuring but not space-invading.