“Why Didn’t She Just Leave?” Twitter User Explains Intimate Partner Violence And Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships
Let's stop blaming women!
The past few days have been rather harrowing for all of us as the news channels and media continue to report the grisly details of Shraddha Walker’s murder. The woman was murdered by her live-in partner Aftab Ameen Poonawalla. Her boyfriend reportedly strangled her in anger after a fight. He then chopped her body in 35 pieces and dumped her remains in Delhi’s Mehrauli forest area over the next 18 days. The news of this gruesome murder left the entire nation in shock. Ever since the news of this murder was reported, new details have been coming to light and each one is more chilling than the previous. One detail that raised questions in all of our minds was the fact that her friends revealed that Shraddha was regularly assaulted by Aftab but she continued to remain in her abusive relationship. Her friends have also claimed that even though she wanted to get out of the relationship she found it tough to do so. But why?
Why do women continue to remain in abusive relationships? A Twitter user also had the same question and questioned why Shraddha continued to stay with Aftab despite all the abuse instead of getting out of the toxic relationship. In response, another Twitter user explained why women choose abusive partners and go back to their toxic relationships. Twitter user @chuckleslovakya, revealed having done a thesis on women choosing abusive partners and going back to violent relationships and why it isn’t talked about enough. Speaking about the same, the user shared that very few people know about the data on Intimate Partner Violence in India and its implications.
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592589954898890752?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
Sharing that 1 in 3 women across India experience IPV (Intimate Partner Violence), the Twitter user revealed that experts have estimated the number to be much higher owing to the numerous cases that go unreported. Describing IPV, the user said that it’s a form of abuse or aggression which is physical, sexual or psychological that happens in romantic relationships but it isn’t something that is much talked about. Just FYI, according to the latest National Family Health Survey (NFHS) 1 in 3 women in India between the ages of 18 to 49 years suffer from some or the other form of intimate partner violence.
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592591004494094337?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
Explaining the reasons why women choose and go back to abusive partners, the user shared that research has suggested that there are some key social and psychological reasons behind it with the first one being the family systems and choice in partner. The user explained that we live in a predominantly male-led patriarchal society where women are usually deprived of equal and sometimes even the bare minimum social, economic or physical agency which, in turn, makes women internalise passive submission and ensures that they follow unquestioned obedience. This often affects their decision-making skills as well as what they seek out and attract in relationships with men including their fathers, brothers and romantic partners. Further, the user pointed out that familiarity with abuse from childhood itself makes women look at relationships through the male gaze making it our reality and thereby normalising abuse in different forms. I mean, we’ve all heard the women around us making up the most absurd excuses for intimate partner violence.
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592592778596618242?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592593855760969729?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
Also Read: Who Is 28 YO Shradha Madan, The Woman Murdered And Chopped Into 35 Pieces By Her Live-In Partner, Aftab Ameen Poonawala?
The Twitter user further pointed out that the misattribution of anxiety and the cycle of abuse is another reason behind women choosing to stay in abusive relationships with violent partners. Remember Kabir Singh? A lot of women loved that film because it somewhere appealed to them. Many of us found Kabir’s love for Preeti full of high intensity and passion which made it appealing. Sadly, a lot of victims of IPV describe their abusive relationship as passionate and full of high-intensity romance as pointed out by the Twitter user. Further, these red flags are often passed off as romance due to the misattribution of anxiety with attraction. This makes people see abusive relationships as exciting and healthy relationships as boring making them addicted to this vicious cycle of abuse.
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592595859161878530?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
But why aren’t women coming forward to report intimate partner violence and their abusive relationships? Well, addressing the issue, the Twitter user further explained that the reason why women don’t report IPV and seek support is due to abusive socio-cultural norms that dictate their freedom or rather the lack of it. Having to live in our society as a victim of domestic abuse or as a woman who questions the behaviour of a partner of her own choosing is not very easy. Moreover, fighting abuse hasn’t been made easier by our society either. As a woman who chose to walk out of an abusive relationship with a partner of my own choosing, I can assure you, the judgement that comes with it is tough and more importantly, fighting for justice is not just tough but also very expensive. In a society where women are constantly judged and scrutinised and with the gender pay gap in place, women lack the social, political and economic bandwidth to fight for their rights and for justice. And sadly, most women in our society, simply accept IPV as a part and parcel of their lives and do not even know their rights, forget knowing about legal remedies.
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592599188331982848?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
Also Read: Delhi Murder Case: Everything To Know About The Case Of Shradha Walker Killed By Live-In Partner Aftab Poonawala
So, What Can We Do To Help?
The Twitter user also listed some simple ways we can help women suffering from intimate partner violence in their abusive relationships. Pointing out that we need to start helping women by not blaming them for accessing basic rights and liberty and try to create a safe space for women to come forward with it. More importantly, the user said that we need to not shame or blame women when they go back to their abusive partners because it isn’t really their fault. I mean, the way society has conditioned us, despite the abuse metted out by their partners, women often go back to avoid the social drama, judgement, shaming and whatnot. I mean, imagine if Shraddha had gone back to her parents years after she cut them off and broke her relationship with her parents in order to be with Aftab. We all know what would’ve happened. For the longest time, we’ve seen families all around us shame their daughters for choosing to date someone of their choice if things don’t end well. Maybe Shraddha’s parents would’ve supported her but we don’t know. The fear of being abandoned by our own family is real. More so because we have witnessed it far too many times around us. We’ve all seen parents who have shamed their kids for going against their advice and dating someone and more often than not, they also refuse to support their daughter as she tries to walk away. How is a woman expected to walk away from an abusive relationship with no guarantee that her parents or society will support her and not judge, shame or blame her?
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592601489125801985?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
https://twitter.com/chuckleslovakya/status/1592604452741349376?s=20&t=uA1oY_cFd1T-PUKTZu-8Jw
This Twitter user has made a fair point by sharing the deep-rooted cause behind women continuing their relationships with abusive partners. Blaming women and asking “why didn’t she just leave?” is not going to help. If anything, it discourages women from walking out of abusive relationships. Asking why didn’t a woman just leave her abusive partner is like asking a drug addict why didn’t he or she leave drugs. The point here is that social conditioning and socio-cultural norms make it extremely tough for women to walk away. So, instead, let’s try to create a safe environment where we normalise women walking out of abusive relationships and going back only to come out again. Let’s try to not blame women for choosing to be in abusive relationships.
