Your Urge To Fix The Men In Your Life Is A Sign You Have Unresolved Childhood Trauma; Stop Being Bob The Builder, Sis!
What is this behaviour girls?
Dating in the times today is a concept, better left untouched. For most, the notion that love is what you fight for is a better plot line for films than a resident in the real world. When sitting with a bunch of my girl pals, and discussing the dynamics of dating, I often hear from most girls “He doesn’t like me back and that makes me wanna chase him more.” While this is a topic of serious discussion, what we often skip on understanding is the deeply rooted issue of self-worth. With multiple Instagram reels by relationship coaches on the criteria of romance today, we know that a relationship is nothing but a reflection of ourselves.
The objectification of men is perhaps like a project to most women, who deal with the storm that he brings and aim to “fix him.” As romanticised by Bollywood and its dedicated consumers, the idea of a woman mothering the men in her life is a reality, which sadly isn’t problematic to many. Somewhat a byproduct of patriarchy with women turning as healers to men, who didn’t even subscribe to that healing. Well, this notion screams and shouts that not him, but you’re the real problem here, sis!
I often ponder about this thought and it was when a friend sitting across me over discussing life over a plate of delicious Chinese spread, suggested why women should go for “sorted men from corporate,” instead of choosing to struggle with a messed up guy, like the lead in an Imtiaz Ali film. To which I responded to with a surprise– “Ahh, no, they’re all boring.” But what stems from here is the questionable ideology of why choose men, who clearly don’t choose you or rather not even choose themselves. Maybe it is some maternal instinct that women across the globe, love putting into practice, with the hope of extracting some sort of validation.
Speaking about the same, I sat down with Jasmeen Kaur (Clinical Psychologist (A) and Founder and director of EHSAS Health Solutions and Services) discussing why women love bad boys and readily take up the job of Bob The Builder for them. Miss Kaur emphasised on the aspects that reflect the reality of such women, and not men–”In my opinion, the inclination for some women to engage in the process of fixing men often reflects a complex interplay of psychological factors deeply rooted in their personal life histories. These tendencies can be understood through various psychological lenses.”
She added–”For instance, attachment theory suggests that early experiences with primary caregivers shape individuals’ relationship patterns later in life. For example, women with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style may have difficulty with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. They may be drawn to partners whom they perceive as needing fixing because it allows them to maintain emotional distance while still engaging in the relationship. Their focus on fixing their partners may serve as a distraction from addressing their own emotional needs and intimacy issues. Furthermore, women who grew up in environments where they took on care-taking roles or witnessed one parent acting as a fixer may subconsciously replicate these dynamics in their adult relationships.”
Also Read: Sandeep Reddy Vanga’s Animal Is Proof Women Bear The Brunt Of Toxic Masculinity. These Men Need Therapy, Not Guns!
Fix Yourself First!
According to Miss Kaur, individuals with a tendency towards codependency may be particularly prone to seeking out partners who require fixing, as it fulfils their need for validation and reinforces their sense of self-worth. The need to fix someone can also be attributed to the “white knight” syndrome, where individuals are drawn to the challenge of rescuing others and feel a sense of purpose and fulfilment in doing so. This also explains a woman’s experience of going through intense childhood trauma and now finding this relationship her only way to validation and a coping mechanism to mask their emotional vulnerabilities.
Somewhat like Deepika Padukone’s character in Tamasha, where she chooses to love the side of Ved (Ranbir Kapoor), which he lives in denial of. This may sound like “love,” but promoting the idea of “fixing men,” can certainly be the reason for turmoil in your head. And here, while Ved thankfully realises and accepts himself, showing some great work and efforts on Tara’s front, the concept of signing up for such a man and help him find his way to living life might not be as dream like successful, as shown in films.
In some instances, it’s not about superiority or control or getting validated, but rather a complex interplay of emotions and experiences. Many women possess a natural inclination towards caregiving, stemming from their innate nurturing instincts. This can lead them to seek out partners they perceive as needing help or support, not out of a desire for dominance, but rather a genuine desire to nurture and care.
But wait, how can you fix it?
Miss Kaur also ponders upon the idea of dealing with the same in therapy, where one can delve into these underlying dynamics with compassion and insight can help women gain clarity on their relationship patterns and cultivate healthier ways of relating to others, acknowledging the complexity of human behaviour and their role in a relationship.
Healed people, heal others, so baby girls, stop right there before you crush on that bad boy, and go to the therapy room instead.
First Published: May 02, 2024 2:54 PM
