Too Many Fights In Loveville? Here’s How To Break The Pattern
You could have been talking watching Netflix, talking to bae, and then falling into a peaceful slumber. But here you are, feeling restless. Your head feels entangled and you just don’t know what to do to feel peaceful again. So you watch reruns of Friends, eat a tub of ice cream, and just try to distract yourself. You call up a friend and for a few minutes, you do feel better. But then, you’re restless again. You hate those days of anxiety when you’ve had a fight with your partner and yet there are so many of those.
When you reflect most of your fights look like they could have been avoided if at least one person had refrained from being too reactive. But oh boy, with limited patience, that is a little farfetched. I realised this over a period of time – when I am pissed at my partner, no matter how trivial the thing is, I will get mad at him.
Have you ever wondered, “Why can’t we go one week without fighting?” Do you feel more stressed lately? Does talking to your partner feel like an exam? Do you feel that you can fight on just anything?
If you answer yes to these questions, then you and your partner have fallen into a cycle that has heightened your propensity for picking fights. Both of you have become these reactive, volatile beings and compassion is replaced by resentment and irritation.
It may seem like you’re heading towards a dead-end but this is very much fixable. Here’s how.
Put a stay order on your issues
They say you must fight, argue and debate till the issue is resolved. So we sit there, with rage in our eyes, and blurt out things we shouldn’t be saying to each other. Verbal knives replace clear communication and before you know it, you’ve sailed towards another continent of issues. Did that ever bring any solution? Science says when you’re fighting, your brain becomes horrible at rationalising, which explains the detours and inability to reason. If you’ve been fighting a lot these days, chances are your bucket of resentment is full and there’s no resolution coming out of it. So give it time and don’t rush to find a solution. We will come back when we are compassionate.
Make an effort to be loving even if you don’t feel like it
The way your resentment snowballs, so does compassion. So bring out that tiny drop of compassion you feel for each other and just make an effort to express love. Of course, remembering the shitty things he said, you probably don’t feel like it but just do it anyway. You know like you take cough syrup even though you don’t like the taste. This is medicine for your relationship woes. Connect with him, do something together, call him by that cute nickname you gave him and tell him you love him. It will melt his heart and yours too!
Do something special for them, keeping your ego aside
Think of all the reasons you are actually grateful for your partner. Think of the good moments and know that he loves you. This may not come naturally but do something nice for them. Don’t get into oh why should I do this and all that. It’s not going to resolve your fights. You may be doing it first but consider this a peace offering. He will love it and start healing again.
Take a deep breath and swear to not get angry
They say it takes three weeks to form a habit. With all that love you’ve been exchanging, things are ironing out. However, you both must be more mindful of your reactions. If he says he will call you later, don’t get mad at him, even if you feel like it. Take a deep breath and say, “Sure, honey.” These battles are too minuscule and you don’t need to pick them. Not at a stage when your relationship already has several dents of your string of fights. If you continue this for three weeks, I bet you will see a significant improvement in your connection.
ALSO READ: This Woman Filed For A Divorce Because Her Husband Never Fights Or Disagrees With Her. It Sounds Crazy But It Can Be Frustrating
Soon, compassion will replace resentment
All of these things will lead to much more compassion between you two. You will have successfully changed the format of your relationship from being reactive to relaxed and loving. Whether you do the peace offering first or he does, one person will learn from the other because at the end of the day there is love! And after a few weeks of being loving, you will find the patience in your heart to see each other’s annoying habits with compassion. There will be more acceptance and understanding. And this is when you can communicate without playing any blame games about issues that bother you. Both of you will be more inclined to solve them and you will realise, in the end, you both have one goal – making things work for you and loving the f*ck out of each other. So why fight so much?