Even If You Were Just In A Casual Relationship The Breakup Hurts. Here’s How To Move On
Casual lovers are like the ghosts that inhabit your basement; you know of their existence but everybody tells you it’s just in your head. Sometimes, you wonder if there’s a grain of truth in it. Do we really share what I think we share? Is it really this spell-bounding, orgasm-evoking connection, and are we really star-crossed lovers as I think? You speak to him like he is your best friend, telling him everything under the sun, and being there for him when he needs you (been there, done that!) Aah, the sweltering closeness that makes you feel so warm and secure post-coitus, is wetting!
You know that your arrangement is such that none of you are in a relationship so there are no hard and fast rules that bind you. The lack of labelling is comfortable: none of you are answerable to each other, you can keep your eggs in as many baskets as you want and you’ll have low expectations from it. Maybe that’s one of the reasons casual relationships feel so good. We do not burden it under the cargo of our trammeling expectations. There are hardly any fights as you try to be at your best behaviours, fuelled by the endorphins from your romantic escapades. And in that, what you’re assuming to exist is nothing but a chimera.
Getting attached to this delusion of a relationship a.k.a situationship often leads you to the tomb of your faith in love and reminds you to finally digest the cold truth. He is just not that into you. Of course, this realisation often comes after you have been broken up with, in pursuit of another woman’s pheromones. And there you are, trying to get over a relationship that never existed.
Today, I came across a post on Reddit of a woman who had been seeing this guy casually, and recently they broke up. She went on to describe how the sudden change jolted her to realise they were pretty close, like best friends. “I woke up today and wasn’t able to text him. I couldn’t send him the funny video I saw online. I’ve tried talking to other people but they just don’t click with me like he did. He’s blocked me on everything. I feel so empty right now, like I have no one to share life with. It’s lonely,” she wrote. She had me at that! She went on to say how much she misses him, “I want to lay on the couch in his apartment again. I want to feel him cuddle next to me in bed. I want to see his gorgeous smile and hear him sing off key. I want to stand in his kitchen and have an hour long conversation over some tacos. I want him to run his hands up my neck. I want to scratch his head through his thick brown hair. I want to hear him tell me about the things that haunt him. I want to stare out the window at the rain together. I want to leave a random doodle on his body. I want to hear him hum a random tune from the other room. I miss him so much and I can’t even talk to him about it,” she wrote.
She added, “Help me figure out how to move past this. I’m hurting.” Also the next edit kinda escalated things but okay. “Edit: Nevermind. This asshole just made a new Tinder account and was recently active after telling me he needed to be alone and shouldn’t even be dating casually right now. F*** you, Matthew,” she wrote. Oh Matthew, what hath you done? It can be seriously depressing and here’s how you can get over a breakup from a casual relationship.
Don’t overthink…you’re only casual lovers
I know it‘s easier said than done. So I am not going leave you hanging at ‘don’t overthink.’ Stop trying to figure what those moments meant or what it means when he cuddles you after sex. It’s not your job to figure out how he felt for you. It was his job so if he didn’t put enough thought into it, why are you? If he said he doesn’t want this, trust me he didn’t. We all love and want affection but sometimes, it doesn’t really mean anything.
It’s me over the Matthews of the world
Remember, the Matthews of the world shouldn’t tempt you to stay in a situationship/casual lovers state, if you are developing feelings. You deserve what you are looking for and he deserves what he is looking for. Maybe he realised he isn’t ready to offer you that and formulated an exit plan before it’s too late. You are good enough and you ought to choose yourself and your needs.
The truth is…he didn’t want you and that’s okay
Several people on the thread commented saying how their almost lover got into a legit relationship with someone else soon after their breakup. Well, sometimes, it’s true that they are not ready for a relationship in general. But I do feel that when you find someone you truly like and fall for, none of it matters. It’s probably that he likes you but doesn’t see a potential long term relationship with you. He doesn’t want a relationship, with you. He likes this casual lovers thing with you. And that’s okay. Not every guy will want you and vice versa.
Pick your lessons
This isn’t the time to play the blame game and invest all that spiritual energy in generating abomination towards what you deem a fuckboi. We are not going to gratify our decadent desire to loathe him and ourselves, extensively. Learn from this instead (here’s what I learned!). Next time, think about what you are looking for instead. Treat someone according to how much they invest in you. Be happy for the good times you had and let it roll away.
Grieve and then let it go
So what if you didn’t label your relationship? I can almost imagine Monica Geller jumping at that with her label maker! It’s okay, you still have the right to feel disappointed and disheartened. Don’t deny yourself the much-needed catharsis. Make a pile of casual lovers and burn it. Or don’t. Cry it out. Do you miss him? Then miss him. But then let it go!