Did You Grow Up In A Dysfunctional Family? This Psychologist’s Thread Of ‘Reminders’ Might Just Hit Home
Unlike most people in India, I don’t particularly enjoy the festive season. I believe it is because such days are usually associated with spending time with one’s family and loved ones and no shade to my parents but my family isn’t the most fun to be around. Other than the few moments when we aren’t at each other’s throats, my family time can be pretty draining and it isn’t something new as this is simply the dysfunctional environment I grew up in. And now that I am spending an exorbitant amount of money on therapy, I see a lot of the patterns I have developed growing up and am trying to undo a lot of the patterns that I learned growing up in a dysfunctional family like mine. Hence, this Twitter thread by Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) who wrote about “10 Reminders For Adults Raised in Dysfunctional Homes” and I couldn’t relate more.
10 Reminders For Adults Raised in Dysfunctional Homes
A THREAD 🧵:
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
1. Your parents opinion of you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves: not the truth of who you are.
2. You are not responsible for the emotions of other adults.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
This is something I am working on this in therapy as well. Every time I discuss how my parents’ mood and constant interference in my life, she keeps reminding me that their feelings and emotions aren’t my problem. I cannot control them and letting them control me is going to worsen my own mental health.
3. Healthy people won't deny your reality: when you're used to being invalidated, shamed, or abandoned for how you feel you begin to believe this is "normal." It's not.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
Also Read: Twitter Thread About A 28 YO Girl Being Abused For Wanting To Marry Her Boyfriend Left Us Speechless
Ahhhh this too. I recently opened up to my mother about feeling neglected growing up and her first reaction was to be defensive. It made me feel invalidated for a while before I went ahead and asserted myself. Ofcourse, the assertion comes as a result of being in therapy and being more aware of my feelings. However, you do not need someone to validate your feelings for them to be true. They are your emotions and you are entitled to them.
4. Boundaries are you path to safety in your body: learn to set boundaries, and to honor them even when uncomfortable.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
Again, one more thing I am still working on is learning to say no and understand when I am actually okay with something and when I am forcing myself to be just because I don’t want to say no to someone. It is hard to have to constantly remind myself that it is okay if I say no and that I don’t owe anyone consent.
5. Emotionally unavailable people tend to be attractive to you: remind yourself that healthy people can talk about their emotions, listen to the emotions of others, and are able to acknowledge different perspectives
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
I personally didn’t understand what emotional unavailability means until I dated my ex. Our relationship brought to light how I have learned to be okay with my needs being neglected and that I need to learn to break out of that.
6. Forgive yourself for what you did in survival mode: We repeat the cycles we lived within. Learn to love that inner child that's experienced deep pain and forgive yourself for the past.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
I am learning to not be as harsh on myself and let go of the regrets I have for things I did when backed into a corner. I did what I had to do and they might not have been the smartest decisions at the time but they made sure I make it to this point in my life.
7. You can heal: at any time, at any period in life. Your healing heals every generation that comes after you.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
I wish my parents had gone to therapy. A lot of my issues wouldn’t have existed or would have lessened because of that. But, I want to break the pattern with myself and work on my issues before I decide to raise a child.
8. You likely have a tendency to either: overshare or shut down when meeting people. This is because you've never witnessed healthy emotional sharing, not because something is "wrong" with you.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
Also Read: How To Survive Through The Festive Days With A Dysfunctional Family?
Ahhhh… a lot makes sense here for me. I am never sure how to talk to new people I am not used to because I can’t fathom how to approach them. I overthink even the smallest interactions and end up coming off as rude because I remain silent for the most part.
9. It's ok to disappoint people: adults from dysfunctional homes tend to be chronic people pleasers, often neglecting themselves to get approval from others. Adults are capable of being disappointed.
Your role isn't to never upset anyone around you.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
10. You have gifts and talents waiting to be revealed: adults from dysfunctional homes aren't seen for who they truly are, they're seen for the role they play.
Spend time learning who you are, following your curiosity, and creating. It heals.
— Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc) November 7, 2022
People pleasing is something my therapist discusses with me a lot. I get very anxious when I know that someone is upset or disappointed with me and she has to keep reminding me that their feelings aren’t my problem. I am also glad that I took some time off dating and relationships after my breakup to learn to be okay and comfortable with myself. It has taught me a lot about who I am and what I want from my relationships.
Growing up in dysfunctional families can be traumatic and create a lot of unrest. But it isn’t something that you cannot heal from. Therapy goes a long way and prioritising your mental health will help you heal in the long run.
