5 Reasons Make-Up Sex Is A Bad Idea. Resolve Your Fight First
A friend of mine and her husband are big on make-up sex. One day she will tell me how the same issue, five fights ago has resurrected and this time she will talk it out. The next day, I ask her how it went and she tells me how he came to cuddle her, one thing led to another and they were sexing it up. What about the fight? “What fight?” she asks. I feel cheated bro, I was invested in your fight. I want to know the solution as well. What do you mean you’ll just had sex and now I have to wait for another time until it happens again? What are you, the third season of Dark?
Meanwhile, here I am, unable to get aroused enough because of something he said two days ago. Even if I don’t want to talk it out, I have to because unfortunately both my face and vagina give it away. Damn, get wet already! Of course, it does work for me because then we talk it out (with a little resistance on my part!) and the sex becomes better and wetter.
Make-up sex is incredibly tempting; it inveigles you into believing everything is okay. And it seems as easy as falling off a log but in reality, it is a facile end to your argument. As alluring as it sounds, here’s why make-up sex is a bad idea.
It makes you look at fighting as a rewarding behaviour
Seth Meyers, a clinical psychologist writes in Psychology Today, “In general, make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces fighting and emotional drama. Think about it: If you have amazing sex after you have a huge fight, doesn’t it make sense to fight again when the reward is so great?” I bet my friend never saw it this way! And when Meyers backs it with his expertise, it makes even more sense. This is how we train to do something, right? For instance, if you give your pet a treat after shower time, it will start loving it. Before you know it, you are picking fights just to get that intense feeling of make-up sex.
The heightened passion doesn’t make for real intimacy
When you’re having sex after a fight, it’s often intense because for a moment you lost that feeling of affection there. And that kind of high can be addictive but it’s not real intimacy. “Because these individuals get sick of feeling the negative extreme end of the spectrum, they hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum — to feel the high that comes with making up. Honestly, it’s not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine,” Meyers explains.
You feel sadder when the love hormone wears off
What happens when you are done blowing each other’s minds off? After a while, the love hormone wears off and you realise that you lost an opportunity to really talk things out. In fact, when things return to pre-sex behaviour, you feel like that whole session was a lie. And you feel sadder! “Make-up sex often reflects the unconscious fantasy to be able to make everything better with sex. Sadly, it’s often after couples have this heated sexual moment that they feel sadder and more lonely when the old feelings come back,” Meyers points out.
The issues remain unresolved
Make-up sex will not resolve your problems; it will just brush them under the carpet. The hornet’s nest will remain, hidden under the many hickeys on your heart. So why not wait before you sex it up and really take time to get rid of your vexation the right way? “The next time you have a fight with your partner and you later try to initiate make-up sex, sit with those feelings a little longer and make sure you are having sex for the right reason,” Meyers advises.
ALSO READ: 5 Things No One Tells You About Breakup Sex
This coping mechanism is an ineffective means of communication
I understand, sometimes, you need to wait for the right time to discuss things. Like I will not bring up an issue on his birthday or when he is already upset over something. But it doesn’t mean you go along with the sex either. You can possibly just kiss and cuddle just to reassure each other that a fight doesn’t mean you hate each other. But then come around to communicating the real issues. Make-up sex will only spoil you and deteriorate the communication between you. “These moments can be difficult and uncomfortable, but checking in with yourself and communicating honestly and directly is the best way to keep the problem from snowballing,” Meyers explains.