You’ve probably heard of polyamory a relationship structure where both partners agree to have multiple romantic or sexual relationships. It’s openly discussed, mutually agreed upon, and operates with clear boundaries. But have you ever heard of tolyamory? If the term is new to you, you’re not alone. Recently coined by podcaster and relationship columnist Dan Savage, tolyamory is a blend of tolerate and polyamory and it might be more common than you think.
So, What Exactly Is Tolyamory?
Unlike polyamory, where openness is built on consent and discussion, tolyamory is when one or both partners “put up with” their significant other’s extramarital or sexual encounters. They don’t explicitly agree to non-monogamy, but they tolerate it whether out of love, practicality or simply because they choose to focus on the bigger picture of their relationship.
Dan Savage introduced the term in a podcast episode earlier this year, describing it as:
“Someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage. They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love. And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable.”
Dan Savage emphasizes that people in tolyamorous relationships aren’t naive or manipulated. They’re aware of what’s happening, but they’ve made peace with it. Maybe they’ve been married for decades, built a family together, or simply decided that occasional infidelity isn’t a dealbreaker. “They are, in a word, tolyamorous,” he explained.
Why Do Some People Choose Tolyamory?
At first glance, it might sound like a one-sided or unfair dynamic, but relationship experts suggest that many people practice some form of tolyamory whether they call it that or not.
Here’s why someone might embrace this mindset:
Long-Term Commitment: After years together, some people prioritize stability, family, or emotional connection over s*xual exclusivity.
Avoiding Conflict: They may not want to confront their partner about infidelity if it doesn’t affect their emotional relationship.
Cultural or Generational Differences: In some cultures, it’s quietly accepted that men (or women) may seek affairs, but the marriage remains intact.
Personal Choice: Some simply don’t care as long as their partner is still present, loving, and committed in other ways.
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Is Tolyamory the Same as Turning a Blind Eye?
Not exactly. The key difference is awareness and emotional acceptance. Someone in a tolyamorous relationship knows what’s happening they just choose not to leave over it. Unlike traditional monogamous relationships where cheating is often seen as an immediate dealbreaker, tolyamory acknowledges that love and commitment can exist even with occasional infidelity.
While there’s no official data yet, relationship researchers believe tolyamory is more widespread than people think.Many long-term couples already practice some form of it, whether they acknowledge it or not. For some, it’s a quiet agreement that helps them stay together. For others, it’s a compromise they make for the sake of love, stability, or simply because they value their relationship more than complete sexual exclusivity.
At the end of the day, every relationship is different. Whether it’s monogamy, polyamory, or tolyamory.
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