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BaeWatch: “I Sometimes Fake Excuses To Not Have Sex Because I Can’t Tell Him ‘No’. Is That Bad?”

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Sex life is an important aspect of a happy and fulfilling relationship. At times. But there’s come the most awkward moment when one partner is all amped up for some hot, steamy action in the bed but the other is just not in the mood. But they just can’t say no to their partners. For women, it is a difficult thing, turning down a partner’s request for some sexy time, thanks to the society’s conditioning of us. What if your words can be too hurtful or your husband might get upset with you? Sex is a justified expectation when you’re in a relationship, especially marriage, na? Consent gaya tel lene, right? These thoughts are pretty normal because our society has taught the woman to fulfil her husband’s every need and after all, it’s her duty and don’t forget that ki uska pati hi toh uska bhagwaan hai!

Irrespective of your relationship with another person, you have every right to say NO to them if you don’t want to have sex. And your spouse should know how to respect your decisions. But sometimes we are too afraid to express our true feelings and try to cover them with a lie because it’s very convenient, honestly. 

However, the issues of intimacy between a married couple are too fragile and must be handled with delicacy or it can lead to many problems. So, when a reader wrote to us explaining her dilemma about how she was struggling to say no to her partner when she’s not in the mood for having sex with her husband and often lies about it, Team Hauterrfly was quick to jump in to understand her problem. And they came up with some top-notch solutions to show her the right path!

“My husband and I have been happily married for a few years now. We’re both high-flying business professionals, with exhausting work schedules. Our sex life is pretty good otherwise. However, there’s one little problem. There are times when my husband is quite in the mood for sex, and I am not. But somehow, I just can’t say “no” to him. I make excuses; in fact, I have gotten very creative at making them, from faking an impending business call from international clients to even saying I have a UTI! And sometimes I give in. But I just can’t bring myself to say a clear “No, I am not in the mood.” All this lying, is this bad? What should I do? Why am I so afraid to tell him the truth?”

Here’s what Team Hauterrfly had to say:

“Try saying no, and see what happens. Trust in the trust you have in your partner.”

Jinal Bhatt, Editor:

Sis, NGL, it is bad. But not morally bad, as in “OMG it’s a sin! You’re going to burn in the deepest circle of hell!” wala bad. It’s bad for you, your and your spouse’s mental health, and for the health of your relationship. I’m assuming here that every time you made an excuse to not have sex, he respected your wishes. That indicates, to a certain extent, that he understands consent. It’s a rare concept and not talked about enough in our society, which is also why we women think saying ‘no’ to our husbands or boyfriends is wrong, and it will make them upset, angry, and retaliate, or will turn them away from us into the arms of another. We’ve been taught that sex in a marriage is some sort of a right, but that isn’t true.

Your husband is clearly giving you your time and space. Now think how he’d feel when he knows you couldn’t trust him with this basic truth? It could break his heart and sow seeds of distrust in your marriage. Now I know it isn’t easy to overcome this mental barrier built from years of conditioning. So how about seeking some professional help? Some couple’s counselling? Or you could write down your feelings in a letter that he can read and then you both talk about it. A frank chat. Or you know what? The next time you’re not in the mood, simply try saying ‘no’ and see what happens. If he respects your choice, then you don’t have a problem anymore. If he throws a fit, you’ve got a bigger problem and will need that professional help.

 


“Couples’ counselling?”

Janvi Manchanda, Senior Features Writer:

Listen hon, I don’t think it’s okay to lie for something like this. There are so many problems within your problem that you need to understand and evaluate. The first one is, why are you lying at all? Are you scared that your husband won’t understand? Are you scared that he may try to convince you? Why do you feel the need to lie? While I do understand that being honest and saying ‘no’ is not something that we women are taught and confidently saying it out aloud can be challenging at times. But in this situation, it’s important to understand the reason behind not being able, to be honest with yourself and your partner. The second thing, you need to figure out is why do you avoid sex? You’ve said that your sex life is pretty good otherwise so, why do you avoid it? Is it just because you’re not in the mood or is there a bigger issue at hand? Because those lies that you’ve been telling your husband seem too extreme to me. Once you have the answers to these questions, it’ll be much easier for you to move forward. I would also recommend that you seek couples counselling since you’re having a communication problem with your partner. More so, because it doesn’t take long for communication problems to turn into communication gaps and then miscommunication. And TBH, couple’s therapy might turn out to be just the thing you need to get your love and sex life back on track. 

“Ask yourselves, how long can you keep up the lies?”

Ritu Sanghvi, Writer:

I wouldn’t exactly say that the lying is justified but I guess it is understandable. I mean, after all, we’re brought up in a way to never say no to the demands made by our husbands – which could be why you feel afraid to tell him the truth. Having said that, I think that if y’all have spent all these years together then there is a basic understanding between y’all; so maybe talking to him about the times you’re not in the mood would be a good idea. I think you need to communicate with him and openly tell him at times when you’re not feeling like doing it. If he understands then well enough, if he doesn’t then you have to ask yourself how long can you keep up the lies? I mean, eventually, he’s going to notice a pattern and you’re going to get tired of all the lying.

“Perfectly alright to say no” 

Preeti Singh, Writer:

First of all, if your relationship with your husband is pretty good then you should share your real feelings with him. And it’s perfectly alright to say no to your husband when you are not in the mood. But lying about it and making all kinds of excuses is just a bit overboard, though. And your husband may feel bad if he finds the truth. So my suggestion is that just go for it and have an honest conversation with him. try to tell him about real feelings and emotions. Tell your husband the truth that sometimes you don’t feel like having sex and it makes you feel bad to say ‘no’. If he doesn’t understand your problem, then you both might need some professional help or if he gets what you’re saying then there’s a chance you both can find some solutions on your own. 


“No relationship offers a licence to another’s body”

Jasveen Kaur Sawhney, Writer:

NGL, I’m kinda confused about your problem. I mean you said you have a pretty good sex life otherwise, then is it just the mood that keeps you away from it at times. And why would you not share that with your partner? Also, considering the kind of conditioning we grow older with, you know the ‘Pati Is Parmeshwar,’ idea but sis, you gotta straight up spill the truth, in case it’s just about the mood. And if not, then what is that one thing that is making you uncomfortable? Figure that out first. Every problem can be solved once you communicate things better. Plus, you shouldn’t be sorry for saying ‘No.’ No relationship offers a licence to anyone to the other’s body, be it in the case of wedlock too. 

“Sex should be enjoyable for everyone.”

Priyadarshini Malavia, writer: I wouldn’t say that lying is bad but you shouldn’t have to lie in the first place. Your partner should be someone you can honestly communicate with. Especially when it comes to sex. So I feel like you need to come clean to him because I assume that you aren’t having a really good time having sex when you aren’t in the mood. And sex should be enjoyable for everyone involved. I suggest you talk to your husband about this.

Also Read: BaeWatch: “I Have Ideological Differences With My Fiancé About Having A Baby. Is This Relationship Doomed?”

Baewatch is Hauterfly’s weekly service to women everywhere. We are giving no-holds-barred, funny, interesting answers to your relationship problems. We’re not experts so you may end up married or broken up. It could go either way. *shrugs*

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