6 Ways To Ask For Sexual Consent Without Killing The Mood. Consent Is Of Utmost Importance.
Just recently I came across this thread on Reddit about ‘How to ask for consent without killing the mood?’. This made me think when was the last time someone actually asked you for sexual consent in simple and straight words? Speaking from personal experience, in most cases, most of the people I was sexually involved with never really asked for consent. Most of them just took a nod or lack of resistance or rather my silence as a yes. So, basically, these men chose to obtain passive consent instead of active consent. In fact, some of these men even failed to understand a simple ‘no’ unless it was followed by me using force to push them away because apparently “no doesn’t always mean no”.
That being said, sexual consent is of utmost importance. There is nothing such as consensual sex or non-consensual sex. It’s either sex or rape. This is exactly why asking for active consent is essential when involved in a sexual relationship with someone and this doesn’t mean that you don’t need to ask for consent if you’ve ‘done it’ before with this person. No, consent has to be a part of your sexual life no matter what (even after marriage). And if you ask me, I find men who ask for consent extremely attractive. I remember this one guy friend of mine who actually asked me if he could kiss me (and he was drunk off his face at that time) instead of just trying to kiss me and see where it goes. Another instance of someone asking me for consent was when this man I’d met at a party asked me if he had my permission to kiss me. How cute is that!
Anyway, back to this Reddit thread, this person actually went ahead and shared that as per his experience ‘girls like it when a guy takes charge’ while adding that ‘submissive behaviour makes guys less interesting as a potential partner’. Well, I don’t know where you come from but buddy, consent is what makes you a ‘potential partner’ and the lack of it makes you a rapist. This person further shared that not knowing the right way to ask for consent actually makes things ‘awkward’ while asking for suggestions on how to ask for consent ‘the right way’. Honestly, just asking would be a great way, to begin with.
Reading the thread further, I realised that there were more people like this person who believe in ‘understanding’ consent from body language instead of words. This is insane. The absence of a ‘no’ cannot mean ‘yes’. While some people did point that out, this thread made me realise that most people lack the understanding of the concept of consent and its importance. Now that I’ve made it clear that silence does not mean ‘yes’, let’s look at some ways to ask for consent without spoiling the mood.
1. Ask For Permission
The best way to go about sexual consent is to ask your partner explicitly. Give your partner the choice to say yes or no and trust me, this will not only gain her respect but also get you some brownie points from her (and if she’s like me, she’ll probably find you much more attractive if you can ask for consent). Just flat out ask for her permission. “Can I kiss you?”, “Is it okay if I take your clothes off?”, “Do you want to take this to the bedroom?”, “Do you want me to stop?”, “Do you want to have sex?” are some great questions to begin with. Asking her flat out will not kill the mood. So, if she says no or asks you to stop, it’s probably because she does not want it or isn’t comfortable with it or maybe she’s just not ready yet.
Also Read: “Consent Of Prior Sexual Acts Will Not Extend To Future Occasions”: Punjab HC To Rape Accused’s Bail Plea. YES!
2. Communicate What You Want
If asking for consent makes you feel awkward then you can always begin by sharing what you want. Instead of asking her if you can kiss her or straight out trying to kiss her, you can just tell her that you want to kiss her. Asking doesn’t always have to come in the form of a question, it can also come in an indirect manner. Once you put your wants and needs out there, she will respond either by saying it out aloud or with her actions.
3. Ask What They Want
You can simply ask your partner what they want. “What do you want me to do to you?” or “Why don’t you tell me what you want?” would be a great way to ask for consent and it will also give you a chance to make it sexy by talking dirty. It also makes for great foreplay but only if she wants it.
4. Discuss Comfort Zone And Boundaries
A good old conversation about sex, consent and sexual boundaries is a very respectful manner of asking for consent. It may seem like it’s indirect but really, it’s even better than just asking for consent. Because when you discuss comfort level and sexual boundaries, it allows your partner to open up about their desires and things that make them uncomfortable. This will also help you understand where to draw the line and when to stop.
Also Read: Gujarat High Court On Marital Rape: Marriage Is Not Irrevocable Consent, High Time To Reconsider
5. Is This Person Capable Of Giving Consent?
This is the most important question that needs to be answered. Ask yourself if this person is sane, sober or legally capable of giving consent. If you ask for consent from someone who is underage or mentally unstable or intoxicated, even if they say ‘yes’ explicitly, it’s still not legally valid. So, understand that ‘yes’ is not the only thing that is important when it comes to consent. Having sex with an intoxicated person after they said yes in their drunk state cannot be considered sex, it will be considered rape in case this person wakes up and decides that they did not want to go that far.
6. Don’t Overdo It
Okay, I’m a fan of consent and anyone who asks for it. Flat out asking for consent is a total turn on for me but it’s also important to not overdo it. Asking someone once, maybe twice would be fine but asking this person multiple times can be a total turn off. After you’ve asked her and she has consented, do not repeat the same question or ask stupid questions. Don’t ask her if you should grab a condom after she has already said yes to having sex, just get the condom instead. If you ask for consent too many times, not only will it be a turn-off but it can also seem less appealing and turn bothersome at some point. Remember that by the third or fourth time, she will be too turned off to take it forward.
Please understand that if you are incapable of talking about consent or asking for it then you probably should not be having sex. Another thing to remember is that people are allowed to revoke consent as and when they please. If something makes them uncomfortable and they want to stop, you need to respect it. Just because she said yes first and then refused to let you go beyond kissing, does not mean that she is okay with it and that you can take liberties.
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