Ladies and gentlemen, we are here in a woman’s inbox. It’s a crowded place here today. There has been an outpouring of love because she owns a vagina and on every 8th March, this drives brands batshit crazy. There are messages jostling for space in here. We’ve just spotted a message. It’s just coming in now. This is from a cake shop. They’re offering a 8% discount on all cakes but more if they are pink and you put a meaningful but superficial message about Women’s Day on it.
And even as we are talking, a new message has made an appearance. This one is from a salon. This one is certainly unique, with a small poem and everything lest we think they aren’t serious Women’s Day. Pretty heartfelt, this. Goes something like ‘There’s so much tax but also so much to wax, so don’t be lax, there’s an error in syntax. Get half your leg waxed for free!’ So touched.
Wait a minute. It looks like she’s deleting these messages. What? Does she not care about these token messages of feminism and women empowerment? Does she think she’s above all this?
Not to give up so easily, two more brands have butted right in here. Both extremely relevant -one if from a restaurant offering free drinks for women’s day- and the other one is from weight loss company that’s offering a discount on fat loss packages. As you can imagine, she’s going to be plenty thrilled with both. The restaurant has gone out of their way with the celebration, promising free drinks if you can barf pink, glittery dust. *slow clap for that inventiveness* And of course, fat loss deals have her all excited because what is life without reminding you that while you may have ‘bobs and vagene’ that everyone wants a piece of, you’re still fat.
Also making an appearance is a message from a clinic trying to remind her about her small boobs and underlining the need to be more appealing to men. Since it’s Women’s Day, they are offering to blow up one boob to ginormous proportions for Rs 10,000 and the other one at 50%. Not entirely sure but it could be case of one DD boob and another C boob. That could get awkward real quick.
In what is perhaps a cruel joke, there’s a message asking her to buy a house. We are looking at that salary and babe, you know you can’t afford that. With that kind of money, the only real estate you can probably buy is a decorative tile.
We are going to step out now. This is getting out of hand. Every one wants to exploit this day and everyone from carpenters to internet service providers are clambering on. *gets squished between a pension plan message and another one from Dr Batras*
*stumbles out*